Toxic relationships work two-ways – your partner is never the sole cause of it. Sure, they might start the problem, but if you truly love them and want to help fix the problem, then this guide is for you. It’s not here to tell you to leave your partner, it’s to help you two realize what’s happening, and fix it before it’s too late.
You’re never good enough
What you do is not pleasing to them. They call you out for wasting money on that special gift you thought they’d like, you got scolded for buying the wrong drink when you went to all the trouble to get it in the first place. Think of it from their perspective – what if they truly don’t like it? One man’s poison is another man’s treasure. Just apologize, and state that you went to all the trouble to get it, could you please accept it this one time? They should feel guilty and realize what they’re doing to you.
Everything is about them
They subtly shift the conversation away from your favourite things while bringing up their own. They are their own world, and they inconvenience you for it. Don’t automatically start hurting them or inconveniencing them, instead jot down what they do and calmly present it to them. They might be hurt and angry and try to retaliate with your flaws, so leave them be for a little while (with some specially prepared chocolate or treat).
In an argument, your side is ‘invalid’ as they solely care more about their own opinions. Don’t get angry even if they provoke you, they just want validation that they are cared about. If you reach out to them in this state, offering a hug and an apology instead of an argument, you show that you care about them more than being right or wrong. When they’re down, you can quietly and firmly tell them that you accept their side of the story, but that you would like to tell them your side and if they could please listen. Get some comfort food together during or afterwards.
Refuses to change or talk
Unlike my other points, this is one point you cannot give in on. Force a talk even if the other hates it. Arguments can and will ensue from this, but do not give in. You must bring across to the person what must change if you want your relationship to work out.
So you made a mistake that one time, and your partner keeps using it against you. In return, you note down what he/she does wrong to bring it up next time. Don’t. You’ll just keep gathering up past guilts for your partner while not actually handling the issue at hand. Next time you are attacked with one of your past mistakes, calmly apologize and state that you are human, and that your partner is human and has probably made mistakes too. Then put them aside, and talk about the current issue. However, if it is brought up because your partner is hurt over something you did in the past, make sure you make up for it.
Hints are really bad in a relationship. Yes, girls, they may be your style of communication, but please put them aside. For your sake, and for the sake of your relationship. (If you really like your hints, you can give your partner a detailed list of what your hints mean.) Hints mean that if the person guesses correctly, good, everything goes on as normal. If they guess wrongly or fail to notice it, you’re going to be disappointed or even get upset at them. This leads to complaints and eventually an argument.
“I’ll leave you.” “I won’t care about this relationship as much anymore.” Obviously this is bad, especially if they’re using it to win an argument or persuade you of something. Usually in those cases they don’t want you to leave, and this is just their wall of thorns to make themselves feel less hurt over what is going on. Get them to stop it, because it hurts the both of you unnecessarily. This is something that must stop, lest the other partner does give up.
Venting Your Emotions
You’re upset, yeah. Do not ever take it out on your partner. They are there to support you and listen to you in these times, do not take advantage of that. Rants are fine, but turning to their flaws will quickly lead to an argument. If you’re angry enough that you would, quickly tell them that you might say hurtful things in your anger. That doesn’t mean you should do it, anyways.
Relationships with your partner are always life changing. Don’t let them do it in a bad way. If they start to cramp your style by telling you where to go and what to do, or become upset if you do otherwise, talk to them.
In that your partner does not want you around his/her family and friends, or strictly expresses that you are to behave like a normal friend around them. Either they’re embarrassed about the relationship, or about how you’ll act around them. Likewise, they do not want to get to know your friends or family. This is bad, and you must find out why, then try to find a solution with them.
I could keep going on about this, but the end motto is still the same: if you truly value your relationship, treat your partner with love, and not the same way they treat you! Eventually, their broken, angry hearts will mend because of you.
This kind of relationship is fragile – it can break and fail, or it can become a long-lasting love where both of you understand and are open with each other because of the hurt you two caused each other over many years. If you aren’t determined, it might be best to end it earlier before the both of you scar each other too badly. If you are, then I wish you the best of luck.